My in-laws got to our house at 6:30 p.m. yesterday evening. Steve and Joanne are visiting from Des Moines, Iowa (The consensus seems to be that the name ‘Des Moines’ is a variation of Moingona, Moingonan or Caucuses, as shown on early French maps.) which, during this time of year, is 37 miles north of Juneau, Alaska. During the summer months (July 2-5) Des Moines shifts back south near Yuma, Arizona. This is all due in-part to plate tectonics. The term Midwest is a misnomer. If you look at these early French maps, the state of Iowa is not west, nor is it mid. It’s actually in America. So you’ll need a new map. French maps are good for holding boiled ears of corn, a vegetable indigenous to the Midwest and places that the early settlers refer to as Supermarkets.
After Steve and Joanne travelled 1,034.9 miles from driveway to driveway, across the great plains, through amber waves of grain and where the buffalo roam, I decided to cook a meal fit for hungry people. When Elise’s parents visit us, I always like to treat them to some sort of Texas fare. I planned a meal a la my new Cooking Fearlessly cookbook that Elise gave me for my birthday. I impressed myself, which is rare these days. I soaked two venison backstraps (compliments of my dad) in Il Bastardo (Tuscan red wine - translation: Scared and sickly young Italian boy who lost his mother in the department store because he thought it would be funny to hide in the dress racks) for 6 hours and stuffed them with venison and pork sausage and grilled lobster. I varied Hudson’s Guava Sour Cherry Sauce by making my sauce with pureed apricots, strawberries, cranberries, blueberries and cherries with apple juice, brown sugar, raspberry infused vinegar, shallots and garlic. I grilled the stuffed backstrap on my new grill (again, thanks dad!) to a nice medium rare for Steve, Joanne and Elise. I left mine still kicking and bloody. I also made Ancho Bock Smashers, again a la Hudson’s but with a good dusting of white pepper and garlic powder in order to call it my own. Hands down these are the best mashed potatoes in the world - and they’re easy to make! A simple combination of russet potatoes, a sweet potato, reconstituted and pureed ancho chilies, butter, heavy cream and Shiner Bock beer. The taste, smell and colors revitalized my desire to start really cooking again.
Everyone liked dinner, or so I was told.
Tonight is New York night. It has become tradition that I watch American Chopper (or O.C.C. as Elise and I refer to it) on the Discover Channel. Orange County Choppers is located in Rock Tavern, New York. So tonight I’m making Buffalo Burgers. You might say: “But Josh, Rock Tavern is nowhere near Buffalo!” To which I’d reply: “Au contraire, mon Frare, I’m using my trusty French map.”
Buffalo Burgers are huge, fatty hamburgers soaked in pureed habenero and chipotle chilies, Trappey’s Louisiana Hot Sauce, Tabasco Sauce, cayenne pepper, paprika, chili powder, garlic, melted butter and whatever other esophagus-eroding potable condiments I can find in the cupboard. The burgers are then topped with bleu cheese and served on toasted buns with fries - comfort food with some serious kick.